- Take time to rest in the peacefulness of my Lover's arms and words by spending time with Him and letting Him speak fresh words to me in that moment.
- Reflect on how my God (Love) has worked and spoken in my life in the past.
Seeing God's loving hand in my past gives me hope for the future.
Life in a broken and flawed family, set the odds in my favor for a life of abuse, deception, solitude, pain, and emptiness. By the time I reached my early teens, I hated everything about myself--my body, my smile, my laugh, my personality, my voice. If only I were quieter, stronger, thinner...maybe then I would finally be worth something. I wanted to be worthy of love, and I wanted to have love to give.
By the time sophomore year rolled around, my internal pain began to externalize itself. I thought that maybe if I denied myself of simple pleasures in life such as sleep, laughter, and food that then, maybe, I would be good enough to earn at least a little love. Yet, I only hurt more and became exhausted with life. Perhaps, I needed to punish myself more. Running which had started out as stress relief and a form of personal accomplishment soon became my favorite weapon. I craved the way it made me hurt. However, it never seemed to hurt enough. The more it hurt, the more I wanted to hurt. I tried burns, blood, and cuts, but I only became emptier inside. And, I was quickly running out of options for hope.
Finally, I did not have the strength to carry on, so I resorted to finding hope and meaning in people--the very beings that hurt me in the first place. When they were unable to meet my needs, I began to unleash all of the hurt that I felt for myself onto them. There I was--hating myself and hating people, especially those who said "they loved me."
As a child, I was taught Bible stories by my parents, and at the age of five, I accepted Jesus into my heart to be the Savior of my life. I attended church, Bible schools, and Bible summer camps. I desired to please God, but I never fully listened to what He had to say to me. As a result, I didn't even know what pleasing Him looked like. Sure the Bible was full of commands, but I was overwhelmed by the lengthy lists of laws and confusing passages and saw them as such rather than allowing the Holy Spirit to personalize the Word for me. I wanted to be in control; I wanted to prove that I was love rather than listen to Love as He beckoned me and told me that He LOVED me. As I look back, I can see all of the times that love called my name and said, "I love you." Sometimes, His messages came through the Bible, but often they came in other forms.
First, it was through my parents as they attempted to instill the the knowledge of a loving Savior despite their own aches and pains. They may not have known Him completely, but I do believe that they wanted me to find Him.
Love continued to speak when it showed me the joy in rocking babies to sleep, kissing their sweet faces, and caring for a precious human being.
On one occasion, I attempted to burn my hand in the pre-heated oven only to discover that Love broke the oven that day (And, yes, our oven did have to be fixed). As I reached my hand to touch the inner surface of the oven, I had my own personal Shadrach, Mesach, and Abednego miracle. "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from your majesty’s hand." --Daniel 3:17
Through several mission's trips and summer camps, Love spoke to me as He inspired me to live a life of purpose and meaning. He showed me that their was more to life than dwelling on my own pain. He gave me a glimpse of what it would look like to live a life completely encompassed in love.
Other times, Love spoke through the voices of friends and family who encouraged me to stop hurting myself. I was blessed with a caring friend who pleaded to Love on my behalf over the weekend that I chose to give up eating all together. Through her tears, I saw Love. Although I did not understand it, love was speaking.
Then, one day, Love spoke loud and clear in the most unexpected way. "Go to Mozambique," Love said.
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