The Journey (Part II)

Mozambique was the last place on my mind in the middle of my junior year of high school.  In fact, several years earlier, when a dear acquaintance who also happened to be a missionary in Mozambique, told me that she could see me being a missionary in Africa, I laughed thinking the possibility was insane.  Maybe it was insane, but when I was faced with the opportunity to go to Mozambique, my heart was drawn, and I could think of nothing else.  Miraculously, all of the pieces fell into place, and in June of 2011, I boarded several planes that took me to my final destination--Maputo, Mozambique.  With a heart wide open to learn and love, my life was forever changed as I began to give my heart away...

I gave my heart to the people of Africa:

6/19/11

...In all of my life, I have never met such kind people.  Although we could not speak them through words, we communicated in a far greater way!  I fell in LOVE with the people of Africa!  They swarmed us with love, hugs, and kisses on both cheeks!  They were delighted to see us, and I could truly feel God's love being poured out upon me.  Oh, to have God's love like they do.  At the service we got to sing with them which was amazing!  Although I could not tell what words I was singing, I know it was praise to God!  They have such beautifully powerful voices, and they dance and clap with joy.  Truly God's spirit is with them.  I could have stayed forever.  I was so happy!  I will never forget those wonderful people and the inspiration that they are!

 

 

I gave my heart away to the simple yet profound joys in life:

6/19/11

We went to see a soccer team play a game.  I SO wanted to talk with all of the kids there watching.  The best thing I could do was smile.  There was also this old woman collecting sticks (probably for her fire).  I helped her get one, and she said, "Obrigada."  (thank you)  Her face lit up!  I am amazed that something so simple could bless her like that. 

 

 

I gave my heart to the countless orphans that call Mozambique home:

6/20/11

I could write pages and pages on all of the children, but I will have to write on just a few.  There was Carolina who had a horrible skin disease, and her head was basically decomposing.  I don't know if she had AIDS...When she blew bubbles though, her face would light up!  Later I saw her crying all alone.  At first, I didn't want to touch her for fear of getting sick, but then I remembered how Jesus touched the lepers, and I knew that I could not let her go without love.  As soon as I wrapped my arms around her, her tears vanished and a smile emerged on her face. 

Solene was a darling little gal who loved to take pictures with my camera.  All of the kids loved doing that!  She also responded to me doing "The Little Piggy" with her by doing it back to me in her language.  Aww!  Another little girl just sat on my lap and was a doll! I hugged a little girl named Luisa, and she did not want to let go.  I started blinking at a little boy, and we just did it back and forth.  His smile grew bigger with every blink.  Another time, we were singing an African song with crazy clapping.  I did not know how to do it, so I put my hand by the sad little girl next me, and she cheered up just clapping my hand! 

Sooo...much more I could write!  I just LOVE knowing that I can do something!  I can show LOVE, and these people LOVE it!   It was very humbling because the fed us lunch, and they obviously gave us their best food.  We had beans and rice like the children, but then they gave us fish too.  Their love is so amazing, and it inspires me to love more like them.  I brought some of my worst clothes and jewelry, but these teenage girls were telling me how they loved it and thought I was so beautiful.  They give me what I came to give them.  What a blessing they are! The whole time at the orphanage was simply living and breathing love.  That is what I wish my entire life to be like. 

Love from a Friend

6/16/13

I never thought that I would have a best friend who is incontinent, is rarely able to speak a full sentence to me, and is in the seventh stage of dementia.  I do.  I have known my precious friend for almost a year now.  So much can happen in one year, and in this past year, I have seen her health and abilities deteriorate. There came a point in time when my friend was no longer able to put herself to bed, so as her caregiver, it was up to me to find a way to help her to bed at night.  Together we discovered a trick that enabled her to keep her dignity and enabled me to get her tucked into bed at night.  Apparently, a large bottle of lotion and the promise of a back and foot massage can work miracles.  This became our routine.  Countless nights, I have sat at her feet and rubbed lotion in until she is relaxed enough to sleep.  Some nights, we sat in silence, and other nights, I retrieved fragmented bits of her life story as we attempted to converse.  Each night ended with a hug, a kiss, an "I love you," and an "I don't know what I'd do without you," from my friend.  She does not remember my name or anything about me except she knows that I love her.  I hope that this becomes how I am perceived by all that I encounter in my life.  After all, it's not about me, it's about Love. 

My heart hurts a little bit tonight because as I began my nighttime routine with my friend, she was not herself.  I gave her our famous "hug up" (a giant bear hug that gets her from sitting to standing up), and she was so weak that she could not hold her weight.  I borrowed a wheelchair and brought her to her room.  My friend is tough, but tonight every time that I tried to transfer her, she winced in pain on the brink of tears.  She was running a fever, and her speech was a jumbled assortment of discombobulated words.  With God's help, I got her in bed.  Then I  sat with her holding head propped up on my lap and helping her sip waster while we waited for her daughter to come.  Eventually, her daughter made the call for her to be taken to the ER.  EMT's came to take my friend away to the hospital for medical treatment.  At first, I thought I was feeling sad because I wouldn't be able to be the one to take care of my friend in her time of need.  But now, I realize that I am also mourning the possibility of losing something...someone so special.  Often, people ask me, "How do you do it?"  "Don't you get exhausted and burnt out?"  Then they praise me for my patience, forbearance, compassion, etc...  Clearly, they don't realize just how blessed I am.  Tonight, I am not feeling sad because I had to put up with a lot of shit, I am feeling sad because I might be losing someone who loves me so very much and has taught me a great many things about patience, compassion, etc.  Love is not always easy, but it is worth it.  I thought that I was giving...but I definitely received! 

The Journey (Part I)

Sometimes I let fear get the best of me.  Yet, I know that "perfect love casteth out fear."  So, when fear threatens to break me, I need to return to my perfect Lover.  It is as simple as that.  Since the future is uncertain, the best ways for me to dwell in love rather than fear are...

1.  Take time to rest in the peacefulness of my Lover's arms and words by spending time with Him and letting Him speak fresh words to me in that moment.
2. Reflect on how my God (Love) has worked and spoken in my life in the past. 

Seeing God's loving hand in my past gives me hope for the future.

Life in a broken and flawed family, set the odds in my favor for a life of abuse, deception, solitude, pain, and emptiness.  By the time I reached my early teens, I hated everything about myself--my body, my smile, my laugh, my personality, my voice.  If only I were quieter, stronger, thinner...maybe then I would finally be worth something.  I wanted to be worthy of love, and I wanted to have love to give. 

By the time sophomore year rolled around, my internal pain began to externalize itself.  I thought that maybe if I denied myself of simple pleasures in life such as sleep, laughter, and food that then, maybe, I would be good enough to earn at least a little love.  Yet, I only hurt more and became exhausted with life.  Perhaps, I needed to punish myself more.  Running which had started out as stress relief and a form of personal accomplishment soon became my favorite weapon.  I craved the way it made me hurt.  However, it never seemed to hurt enough.  The more it hurt, the more I wanted to hurt.  I tried burns, blood, and cuts, but I only became emptier inside.  And, I was quickly running out of options for hope. 

Finally, I did not have the strength to carry on, so I resorted to finding hope and meaning in people--the very beings that hurt me in the first place.  When they were unable to meet my needs, I began to unleash all of the hurt that I felt for myself onto them.  There I was--hating myself and hating people, especially those who said "they loved me."

As a child, I was taught Bible stories by my parents, and at the age of five, I accepted Jesus into my heart to be the Savior of my life.  I attended church, Bible schools, and Bible summer camps.  I desired to please God, but I never fully listened to what He had to say to me.  As a result, I didn't even know what pleasing Him looked like.  Sure the Bible was full of commands, but I was overwhelmed by the lengthy lists of laws and confusing passages and saw them as such rather than allowing the Holy Spirit to personalize the Word for me.  I wanted to be in control; I wanted to prove that I was love rather than listen to Love as He beckoned me and told me that He LOVED me.  As I look back, I can see all of the times that love called my name and said, "I love you."  Sometimes, His messages came through the Bible, but often they came in other forms. 

First, it was through my parents as they attempted to instill the the knowledge of a loving Savior despite their own aches and pains.  They may not have known Him completely, but I do believe that they wanted me to find Him. 

Love continued to speak when it showed me the joy in rocking babies to sleep, kissing their sweet faces, and caring for a precious human being.

On one occasion, I attempted to burn my hand in the pre-heated oven only to discover that Love broke the oven that day (And, yes, our oven did have to be fixed).  As I reached my hand to touch the inner surface of the oven, I had my own personal Shadrach, Mesach, and Abednego miracle.  "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from your majesty’s hand."  --Daniel 3:17

Through several mission's trips and summer camps, Love spoke to me as He inspired me to live a life of purpose and meaning.  He showed me that their was more to life than dwelling on my own pain.  He gave me a glimpse of what it would look like to live a life completely encompassed in love. 

Other times, Love spoke through the voices of friends and family who encouraged me to stop hurting myself.  I was blessed with a caring friend who pleaded to Love on my behalf over the weekend that I chose to give up eating all together.  Through her tears, I saw Love.  Although I did not understand it, love was speaking.

Then, one day, Love spoke loud and clear in the most unexpected way.  "Go to Mozambique," Love said. 

Falling into Love

6/7/13

While flipping through a news' magazine several nights ago, I saw the most horrific picture of a starving child in Somalia.  My eyes were glued to the picture as I tried to come to terms with the reality of this child's agony.  Earlier in the week, I gazed at the beautiful faces of child refugees as depicted by my photographer brother in Jordan.  Tonight, I cleaned feces off the entire body of a sick and dying old man. 

"Why would a loving God allow such atrocities to occur?"  This is a question that I have been asked and have pondered over for the last few years.  While I do not attest to know the perfect answer to this question, I have found an answer which allows me to rest in peace knowing that I have a loving God.  I believe that God created each human being with the purpose of loving Him and as a result loving all of those that He has created.  However, I think that when humans stray from this perfect plan, suffering results.  In knowing and unknowing defense of self, humans (myself included) have hindered the spread of love. For instance, God created enough food for the hungry in this world, but the straying of mankind from love has caused it to end up in stock piles and stores rather than in the mouths of the starving.  I was driving in town a few nights ago and was disturbed to see gas prices at $4.25/gallon, and then I thought of my full stomach, my vehicle filled with a 1/2 tank of gas, my warm bedroom, my closet and dresser filled with more clothes than I even have time to wear, and my growing bank account.  I have been given so much, and my physical self wants to cling to it.  Yet, everything within me screams for something more...

I desire what money cannot buy: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, and self-control (the fruit of the spirit).  These are satisfying to me, and I find them in overcoming life's hardships--in outpouring my blessings so that others may share in my blessings.  I am grateful for hardships in life because they provide me with opportunities to learn and grow.  They give me opportunities to share what truly matters.  Ideally, in a perfect world where every human being is following my God: Love, I do not believe there will be any more suffering or pain.  Since we have been given a choice in this world to choose love or self, there is pain because many have chosen self.  I have chosen self so many times.  I have hindered the spread of love.  My God: Love gave perfection in the form of His son, Jesus, to reconcile me--to stand in the gap for all of my shortcomings and show me the perfect example of love so that I will know how to love.  I believe this with all of my heart.  And, I believe that at the end of this life, those who have chosen Love will be given new life in a world where love abounds and there is no more suffering--no more atrocities. 

More than anything, I want to be intentional about choosing Love.  I do not want my physical desires and fears to dissuade me from Love.  I am extremely grateful for all of the physical blessings that I have been given--food, clothes, shelter, transportation, finances, etc., but I am willing to give them all up to fall more into Love. 

What if?

What if?  What if we looked at hurt in a whole new way?  What if instead of being hurt by people we saw their own hurt?  What if hurt is a message?  What if when people hurt us they are really just trying to tell us how much they have been hurt and are hurting?  This makes me wonder how I will respond to their message.  Will I multiply their hurt by returning it and taking it for myself, or will I be able to give them a whole new message--a message of love?  My prayer is that I will be able to do the latter...

 I am infatuated with healing.  This love for healing gives me dreams of nursing and caring for the sick.  However, perhaps, I have the opportunity to do this everyday with or without a degree.  Maybe healing comes when I look at the person next to me without prejudices and instead of putting up walls to protect myself against what they might do to me, bandage their wounds rather than accepting a wound from them.  My life is so precious and so are the lives of others.  I have no time to waste being hurt or hurting others.  Yes, sometimes the blows are hard and bring me down, but I desire to allow them to teach me to love more effectively in the future. 

6/1/13

Congratulations class of 2013!  Today, I attended a dear friend's high school graduation ceremony.  It reminded me a lot of my own graduation one year ago.  I remember how the weeks and days surrounding graduation were consumed by thoughts of the future.  It seemed like wherever I went, people wanted to know my plans.  "What will you do?"  "Where will you go?"  So many questions for someone who knows so little about life.  At the time, I did my best to make plans that seemed to make sense.  Looking back at the past year, I am in awe of all that has happened.  While I did my best to plan a perfect future, I never would have planned for lonely nights, tears, screaming in the rain, confusion, roadblocks, detours, heartbreaks, and heartaches; but in retrospect, I realize that these are the very things that have shaped my future--brought me to where I am now.  I know that I still have so much to learn, and I realize that my life's path will continue to curve and take me places that I would never have imagined for myself. This is why I am so glad that my future is in God's hands because He sees the bigger picture and is holding my hand each step of the way as He takes me to places even beyond my wildest dreams. 

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  --Jeremiah 29:11