The Journey (Part IV)

From the moment I stepped off of African soil and onto the plane that would fly me across the ocean and back to my homeland, my heart beckoned me to come back.  I knew that I had to or else my heart might explode.  I had never loved or felt loved as fully as I did in Mozambique, and I didn’t want to live another day of my life without that kind of love.   I took a sleeping pill as I settled into my seat and hoped that it would knock me out so that I wouldn’t feel the aching and longing in my heart.  However, as I look back, I see that it was the heartbreak and longing to do something about it that got me through some very rough times and kept me focused on finding hope.

I returned to the United States to face my senior year of high school, and the prospects of returning to Mozambique seemed quite bleak.  Yet, I buckled down and focused on the task before me.  For the first time, I poured myself into schoolwork and particularly my Allied Health class.  I was so excited to do hospital work experience rotations every week.  While I got to see and learn many things, I was especially drawn to the oncology floor.  I sensed desperation in the eyes of these cancer patients that I did not find in many of the hospital’s other patients.  I was determined to bring them hope.  Being with these cancer patients also reminded me of the many cancer patients that I fell in love with while in Mozambique.  These are the people that many medical professionals have given up on.  Often their families have given up on them, and sadly, many of these people have given up on themselves.  But, I cannot look into their beautiful faces and believe that God has given up on them; I know that God has hope for all of them.  As a vessel of God’s love, by faith, I desire to bring them hope.  I cannot give up on them. 

Senior year flew by, and I was faced with a new lesson.  I learned that in order to not give up on others, I had to not give up on myself.  It was springtime, I was graduating, and I had no idea what my next steps in life should be.  My memories of Africa were still tugging on my heart, but they seemed just out of reach.  I was lost and confused.  I wanted answers, and more than anything I wanted to escape the pressures of life.  My friends from school invited me to their graduation parties, and I began to taste what the world had to offer.  In the moment, I enjoyed the thrills and dangers of the reckless lifestyles many of my friends were living.  I wanted a taste of their world and before I knew it, they were welcoming me to join them.  My life seemed exciting for once with the prospect of boys, booze, parties, adrenaline, drugs, and temporary pleasures.  Flaws in my own heart, my church, and my friends left me questioning my faith.  I felt alone, and I was eager for the opportunity to belong. 

In attempts to find my place in life, I searched desperately for a job as I felt that was the next step for a high school graduate to take.  However, all of my job-hunting seemed to be futile.  By July of 2012, I still did not have a job, so when my mom asked me to volunteer at a Joni and Friends Family Retreat, I decided to do it.  Even though it had not originally been my plan, by the time I arrived at the camp, I knew that God wanted me to be there.  It was one of the best weeks of my entire life.  As I served individuals with special needs and their families, I was reminded of the life-changing difference found in living for love rather than temporary pleasures.  I smiled.  I laughed. I cried.  I prayed.  I loved.  In just one week, I saw how love began to transform lives.  I was paired with a six-year-old little girl that much of the world would have given up on, but together we helped change each other’s lives.  We saw each other’s beauty and gifts and sought to affirm them.  I left Joni and Friends Camp, feeling God’s extraordinary love for me just as I was and seeing that people are vessels of God’s love.  While God can pour out His love in many ways, often it can be found in communion with those filled with His love.  I realized the opportunity that I have to carry God’s love to those I come into contact with, and I realized my need to accept His love from others.  As I left camp, I offered my life completely to God. I trusted Him to lead me and love me no matter what.  I knew that without Him, I had no hope.   

 

The day after I returned home from camp, I got a call offering me a job at a senior home.  I celebrated my eighteenth birthday and began work the day after.  Immediately I fell in love with my residents, and in loving them, I fell even more in love with my Jesus.  Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, anything you did for even the least of my people here, you also did for me.”  To touch Jesus when I clipped toenails, changed smelly briefs, and bathed filthy individuals made it all worth it.  Furthermore, I became a much stronger person physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I learned so many new practical skills that allowed me to better care for the sick.  I became gentler and bolder.  And most importantly, I learned that I can only give what God has given me.  When I was burnout from caring for others and desperately wanted someone to hold me, I found Jesus’s arms, and they were constantly there to hold me. 

 

“It’s the song of the redeemed rising from the African plain.  It’s the song of the forgiven drowning out the Amazon rain.  The song of Asian believers filled with God’s holy fire.  It’s every tribe, every tongue, every nation—a love song born of a grateful fire.  It’s all God’s children singing ‘Glory, glory, hallelujah; He reigns…’”  A spur of the moment trip in the end of August 2012 found me singing these lyrics at my brother’s church in Laramie, WY.  Suddenly and out of nowhere, I heard God’s overwhelming voice beckoning me back to Africa.  While the prospect excited me as it was the deepest desire of my heart, the idea seemed preposterous.  I was scheduled to start my freshman year at college the following week, and I was torn between pursuing a degree in nursing which everyone was urging me to do or leaving everything and following God out on a limb.  Since I did not sense God’s peace in giving up college at that time, I dove into my studies.  I took two semesters of pre-nursing classes and while some of the subject matter was interesting, I absolutely hated school.  Between being a fulltime college student and working two jobs, some days I didn’t want to be living my life.  I was exhausted and lonely, but then I remembered God’s calling for me, and I didn’t give up.  I pressed on knowing that God had a plan for me and believing that He would bring me back to Africa one day.